Category Archives: ponderings

Try to forget the time

Watch from 1:30 to 2:30. Then remember that Magic Johnson was given his own talk show after this video.

If anyone had to die, it shouldn’t have been the first two performers in the king’s court. And it definitely shouldn’t have been Michael Jackson. 

It should have been the TV executive who green-lighted “The Magic Hour.”

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Correcting our mistakes on Michael Jackson

In our culture, we rarely honor a person properly before they die. And, once they pass on, we regret not being more open with our feelings. 

So it was with Michael Jackson.

But we can make amends for our mistakes. Today, as one Michael Jackson is laid to rest in Los Angeles, we can choose to honor another Michael Jackson  — one who was a public figure, but perhaps not quite the international star that the now-deceased pop singer was.

Yes, former Browns and Ravens receiver Michael Jackson.

So let’s take a moment to honor him while we still have the chance.

— Although you retired at age 29 in 1998, I always thought you were good enough to stick around for another year or two as a fifth receiver on a team with poor depth at the position.

— The other Michael Jackson wore one glove. You wore two gloves. So you definitely had him beat there.

— In 1996 your 16 TDs tied Atlanta’s Tony Martin for most receiving scores in the NFL. Wow. Michael Jackson and Tony Martin. What a piss poor season for NFL receivers. But, still — congratulations.

— You averaged 11.0 yards per carry during your career. Granted, this was on two carries, one of which went for 21 yards. But, if you wanted to, you could tell Jim Brown to suck it.

— Remember that great catch you had against the Bengals? I don’t. But chances are you had one. You played them twice a year for eight years and the Bengals blow. I hope you had one.

— Your playing height was 6’4″. Being tall is cool. Also, now in retirement, you can probably reach a lot of things around the house. So that’s probably a big help.

— As far as we know, in your three seasons in Baltimore — 1996 to 1998 — you never committed a crime. Well done. Also, in your 40 years as Michael Jackson, you never slept with a kid. Double well done.

Sarah Palin’s next career choice … basketball coach?

Based on her resignation speech, who knows?

If you listen up to the 1:00 mark, you heard this bit of basketball wisdom …

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me – sports… basketball. I use it because you’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win. And I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory. 

So here is what that that gameplan might look like on Coach Palin’s locker room chalkboard. 

PALINCOACHNothing but cliched, pointless crap, right? Of course. It’s Sarah Palin. 

But don’t think she can’t be successful as a basketball coach. Cliched, pointless crap is their stock-in-trade. Check this out: 

And that guy is one of the most successful coaches in the NBA. 

So watch, your backs, basketball coaches.

As losses rear their heads, where- where will GMs and athletics directors go? It’s Sarah Palin. And which coaching jobs will she take? All of ’em. Any of ’em that have been in front of her over all these years.

Andy Roddick loses, we all lose

Andy Roddick pushed Roger Federer to the longest Wimbledon final in history, but he still lost.

So, sorry — no Brooklyn Decker photo today.

However, as a consolation prize, I am including this photo of a Brooklyn double-decker tour bus.

Double-decker. HOT.

And as consolation punishment — to perhaps really make Roddick’s loss sting — here is something far less sexy than a bus: Roger Federer’s pregnant wife, Mirka …

William & Mary & YOU!

The College of William & Mary is changing it’s nickname from the Tribe to … something deemed less racially insensitive.

If you would like to submit a name, you can do so here. But the deadline is midnight tonight. AHHHHHHHHH!  TOO MUCH PRESSURE! Who could possibly think of a non-racially insensitive nickname in that short amount of time?

I have already submitted the following:

William & Mary Royal Inbreds  (obvious)

William & Mary Fightin’ Gout   (gout was a common disease in colonial days)

William & Mary Powdered Wigs   (obvious)

William & Mary & Teammates    (visually consistent)

William & Mary Fightin’ Ampersands      (unique)

William & Mary Enlightened Former Imperialists     (EFIs for short; shows contrition and understanding)

William & Mary Totally-Honorable-And-In-No-Way-At-All-Stereotyping Tribe    (appropriately PC)

And then a few more using anagrams of WilliamAndMary.

William & Mary Rad Wily Madmen

William & Mary Mild Wary Animals

William & Mary Mild Raw Mania

William & Mary May-I-Win Mallards

William & Mary I’d Win Llama Army

But I think we all can agree that due to what would be a very intimidating logo, the William & Mary Fightin’ Gout is the way to go.

G-O-U-T      GOUT!     GOUT!     GOUT!

A simple request

“The USA’s 3-2 loss to Brazil in the Confederations Cup final was a moral victory.”

No. Morals have nothing to do with it.

Good defeating Evil is a moral victory. You deciding not to cheat on your wife with some hot, drunk woman at the hotel bar while you’re on a business trip is a moral victory. Not shaking a kitten to death for fun is a moral victory.

But an underdog team almost beating a heavy favorite is not a moral victory.

It’s a morale victory. Or it could be. It could build team morale. But morals has nothing to do with it. 

So, from now on: morale victory, not moral victory. Okay? Great.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to fighting the urge to not cheat on my cat by sleeping with this hot, drunk woman sitting across from me at the hotel bar. Rawwwwrrrr.

Andy Roddick wins: 7-6, 6-4, 6-3