Michael Phelps has a new children’s book. Which means I apparently wasted my time writing one for him. 

I based it off of the classic “Where the Wild Things Are.”


And when he came to the bar where the wild things are
they played their terrible songs
and wore their terrible clothes
and told their terrible jokes
and sported their terrible hats

’til Michael said, “Be chill!”
and tamed them with the magic trick
of staring into their bloodshot eyes without blinking once
and they were stoned and called him the most wild dude of all
and made him king of all wild things.

“And now,” cried Michael, “let the wild kegger start!”


3 responses to “Espnessence

  1. Anonymous = Jim

    I liked it, having just read the original to my daughter not long ago. I never fail to read and be amazed at the comments on your Page 2 stuff, sometimes funnier than the actual articles.

  2. sportspickle

    Wow. Thanks for the heads-up on the comments. “At least make it rhyme” is genius. Just genius.

    This is one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. But as I said before, most things I really like are not liked by a large audience. I must be a terrible judge of good writing. I am the one, after all, who convinced DJ Gallo to go into writing as a career. Whoops!

  3. Anonymous = Jim

    This is in regards to your Mr. Manners piece; “tucka42 (6/17/2009 at 1:13 PM) I don’t understand the artilce. I doubt all of these athletes would really go to an ESPN writer for their problems.” I realize this could be tongue-in-cheek, but somehow I doubt it.

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