Red Sox (30-22) at Tigers (28-22) — 7:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
Boston at Detroit. Think of David Ortiz as a metaphor for the U.S. auto industry. Whoa. I just blew my mind. Thankfully I have UAW health insurance so my blown mind is covered and I can stay on disability indefinitely while earning the same income. It’s kind of like David Ortiz’s guaranteed contract. Whoa. Double blown mind!
World Cup Qualifier: Costa Rica vs. United States — 10:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
Hey, Costa Rica — know what your country’s name is an anagram for? I Orca Scat. Oooooh … whale poop-related word jumble burn. I think I made my point.