Saturday: Penguins at Red Wings (Game 1) — 8:00 p.m. ET on NBC
I didn’t create the image you see here. I don’t know who created it. I think it has no creator or owner. I think it exists in the ether to terrify and haunt you. And if you don’t watch the Stanley Cup Finals, this giant, angry penguin with flaming, red wings will rape you with his massive, stainless steel, erect penis.
Or possibly not. That image may have just been created by some hockey fan with PhotoShop.
But do you really want to risk it? Have you ever been raped with a massive, stainless steel penis with guys’ named inscribed on the side? It’s not pleasant. Trust me on this.
Sunday: Penguins at Detroit (Game 2) — TBD p.m. ET on NBC
I realize it’s only Game 2, but Pittsburgh or Detroit really can’t lose this game or they’ll be in a big hole against Detroit or Pittsburgh. Come on, Pittsburgh or Detroit! WTF is wrong with you?! You’re embarrassing yourselves and all of the good people of Pittsburgh or Detroit!