Getting to know this year’s Spelling Bee participants

CNBC’s Darren Rovell has a handy article full of biographical information on various contestants at this year’s national Spelling Bee, which begins today. 

And you know what that means, don’t you? A wonderful opportunity to make fun of little kids. WOOOOOOO!

To the bios! Oh, and I withheld their names. (Like I’m brave enough to make fun of a little kid by name. Ha!)

Speller No. 10: “Table tennis and fencing are his favorite pastimes. He aspires to become a baroque opera conductor.” [He also aspires to invent an underwear that will not chafe the taint when the wearer is subjected to atomic wedgies.]

Speller No. 25: “He would also enjoy being a chef in his own restaurant, which would have allergen-free cuisine.” [He is allergic to grass, mold, pollen, animal dander, dairy products, nuts, the sun, gym class, his own perspiration and tears, ESPN, hugs and anything that is popular.]

Speller No. 40: “For luck in spelling competitions, Veronica sleeps with a dictionary under her pillow and spells with a penny in her shoe.” [Veronica has convinced herself that it’s her crinked neck and blister-covered foot that makes her unpopular with the boys.]

Speller No. 228: “For spelling bee luck, Amanda dons a bracelet made of duct tape in her school colors.” [As a homeschooled child, Amanda’s school color is gray — the color of loneliness.]

Speller No. 232: “She always eats pepperoni pizza before a spelling bee.” [She takes never being kissed very seriously.]

Speller No. 259: “He is the puppet team leader at his church.” [He says puppets are his best, and only, friends.]

Speller No. 272: “He has a variety of items in his Rubik’s Cube collection and has solved the Rubik’s Cube in many ways, including with his feet and with a robot built from online instructions.” [However, he is still unable to devise a way to unlock his locker from the inside.]

Speller No. 285: “His mom says the best thing about him is his red hair.” [Whereas his classmates say the best things about him are his tears and the fact that he bruises easily.]


5 responses to “Getting to know this year’s Spelling Bee participants

  1. Thatt wus a funy artical.

  2. Anonymous = Jim

    @Gallo: I guess ‘copy and paste’ absolve you from not withholding Veronica’s and Amanda’s names.

    @Jeryme: Yu stoll my idear

  3. sportspickle

    Well, I didn’t give their last names. Unless they are single-name people like Ronaldo or Cher. Are spelling bee finalists that popular in our culture now to pull that off? The answer: no. Spelling bee people are never popular. That’s why they are spelling bee people.

  4. Anonymous = Jim

    Is your poor spelling the reason you use letters instead of your given name? Were you made fun of by the spelling bee kids in school? Just how unpopular were/are you?

  5. sportspickle

    I don’t recall ever participating in bees in grade school. And I feel like I’ve missed out. I tried to start a few men’s, low-syllable, rec league bees in recent years. But I never get any interest.

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