CNBC’s Darren Rovell has a handy article full of biographical information on various contestants at this year’s national Spelling Bee, which begins today.
And you know what that means, don’t you? A wonderful opportunity to make fun of little kids. WOOOOOOO!
To the bios! Oh, and I withheld their names. (Like I’m brave enough to make fun of a little kid by name. Ha!)
Speller No. 10: “Table tennis and fencing are his favorite pastimes. He aspires to become a baroque opera conductor.” [He also aspires to invent an underwear that will not chafe the taint when the wearer is subjected to atomic wedgies.]
Speller No. 25: “He would also enjoy being a chef in his own restaurant, which would have allergen-free cuisine.” [He is allergic to grass, mold, pollen, animal dander, dairy products, nuts, the sun, gym class, his own perspiration and tears, ESPN, hugs and anything that is popular.]
Speller No. 40: “For luck in spelling competitions, Veronica sleeps with a dictionary under her pillow and spells with a penny in her shoe.” [Veronica has convinced herself that it’s her crinked neck and blister-covered foot that makes her unpopular with the boys.]
Speller No. 228: “For spelling bee luck, Amanda dons a bracelet made of duct tape in her school colors.” [As a homeschooled child, Amanda’s school color is gray — the color of loneliness.]
Speller No. 232: “She always eats pepperoni pizza before a spelling bee.” [She takes never being kissed very seriously.]
Speller No. 259: “He is the puppet team leader at his church.” [He says puppets are his best, and only, friends.]
Speller No. 272: “He has a variety of items in his Rubik’s Cube collection and has solved the Rubik’s Cube in many ways, including with his feet and with a robot built from online instructions.” [However, he is still unable to devise a way to unlock his locker from the inside.]
Speller No. 285: “His mom says the best thing about him is his red hair.” [Whereas his classmates say the best things about him are his tears and the fact that he bruises easily.]