Drew Rosenhaus Gets Fired

(Scene: Anquan Boldin places a call on his cell phone. At the other end of the stage, Drew Rosenhaus picks up.)

Rosenhaus: “Hello?”

Boldin: “Yeah, it’s Anquan.”

Rosenhaus: “Hi, Anquan. What can I do for you?”

Boldin: “Well, it’s what you haven’t done for me, Drew. I am actually calling to fire you as my representative.”

Rosenhaus: “What? Why? I feel like this is coming out of nowhere. Tell me why.”

Boldin: “Did you or did you not promise to get me out of Arizona a year ago?”

Rosenhaus: “Next question.”

Boldin: “Did you or did you not promise that if I stayed in Arizona, you would get me a bigger contract?”

Rosenhaus: “Next question.”

Boldin: “And have you delivered on any of those promises?”

Rosenhaus: “Next question.”

(A few moments of awkward silence pass.)

(Then Boldin hears the sound of a keyboard tapping.)

Boldin: “What are you doing?”

Rosenhaus: Twittering.”

Boldin: “Are you trying to spin this as a positive on your Twitter page?”

Rosenhaus: “Next question.”

Boldin: “Are you making the point that you still represent my brother?”

Rosenhaus: “Next question.”

Boldin: “Are you aware that you stuck my brother with the Detroit Lions, so he’ll leave you as soon as he can, as well?”

Rosenhaus: “Next question.”

Boldin: “This is a waste of my time. Goodbye, Drew.”

Rosenhaus: “Bye, Anquan. Oh — and just remember that I’m still your agent until I get your signed termination papers.” 

Boldin: “I know. I’m faxing those to your office once I’m off the phone.”

Rosenhaus: “Great. So when you get to your fax machine, you’ll I sent you the details of your trade I just completed while we were on the phone. Now you can play on the same team as your brother! I got the Cardinals to trade you to the Lions. Congratulations.”

Boldin: “The Lions? Noooooooooooo! Why do you hate us?”

Rosenhaus: “Next question.”

[End scene.]

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