(Scene: The University of Kentucky basketball media room.) 

John Calipari: “So, I would like to confirm that John Wall, the top-rated high school point guard in the nation, has decided to become a Kentucky Wildcat. We are, of course, very excited to have a player of his talent here. He is going to do great things at Kentucky. Now, I’d like to open it up to any questions.”

Press Person 1: “Coach, will John Wall be here today at the press conference?”

Calipari: “No. I didn’t want to pull him out of his high school classes for this press conference. As you know, I take academics very seriously. Another question?”

[There is the sound of breaking glass and then a rustling noise from the storage closet at the back of the media room.]

Press Person 2: “Coach, have you promised John Wall the starting [another crash from the closet] job from Day 1 here [more breaking glass] at Kentucky?”

Calipari: “I’m sorry. I couldn’t here your [more breaking glass] question very well.” [Repeated thumps from the closet.] “Hey! Can somebody with security check out all that noise? I’m trying to hold a press conference here.”

[A security guard opens the door to the supply closet.]

Press Person 3: “Coach, do you expect John Wall [more breaking glass] to be here more than one year?”

[Sounds of a struggle from the closet. Then the security guard emerges from the closet dragging a burglar wearing a mask.]

Security Guard: “Sorry to interrupt, coach. But this guy broke into the supply closet through a window. He was loading up a gym bag with stuff. I’ll get him out of here.”

Calipari: “No problem. Thanks for taking care of it. Now, let’s get back to John Wall.”

Masked Assailant: “Who did you say?”

Calipari: “John Wall.”

Masked Assailant: “Oh, hey coach!” [John Wall removes his mask.]

Calipari: “Whoa. Hi, John! Wow, what a coincidence, huh? Doing a B&E in the same building where we’re announcing your commitment. Totally weird. Anyway … John Wall, everyone!”

[The crowd applauds.]

Calipari: “And, John, no need to take that DVD player with you. I can get you a better one. Blu-Ray, baby.”

(End scene.)


One response to “UK PG B&E

  1. That was pretty good

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