Charlie Weis can’t fit anywhere

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis has been on Twitter since March 31st. His Twitter feed is http://www.twitter.com/NDHFC.

(You know Notre Dame is confident in him long-term when they hooked him up with the generic “Notre Dame Head Football Coach” account name. “Hey, what if we do ‘ND_CoachWeis’, guys?” “Umm … no, Charlie. But that’s a good idea. While we’re in the registering mood, we should probably get ‘ND_CoachGruden’.”)

Anyway, from his first Tweet on March 31st — “Just opened this account. Stay tuned …” — the NDHFC has hit heavy on the ellipses. It seems he frequently has difficulty fitting within Twitter’s 140-character limit. (Imagine that. Charlie Weis not being able to keep himself within normal space constraints.)

So let’s look at Charlie Weis’ interrupted Tweets and help him finish his thoughts.

Apr 6: They discussed the ND players and what they were looking for in the draft. I have to be careful not to relay messages from one team… to another. I only cheat if it will benefit my career and help me get my dream job.

Apr 6: Just so you know, I don’t receive messages. For if I were a recruit and I received a message and then I sent another Twitter message… it would be a recruiting violation. And I don’t want to go out that way. I want to get fired for my lack of results on the field.

Apr 14: Although we don’t practice today, many players have set up appointments w/ their position coaches to discuss football, academics, and life… because if you want good life advice, you talk to a man who has dedicated his life to screaming at 18 year-olds about how to play defensive line.

Apr 15: Good morning. We took a little different approach today. Due to the fact that we haven’t practiced since Wednesday, the players came in… all hungover. So we just watched ‘The Price Is Right.”

Apr 16: Just watched practice tape from yesterday. It was an eventful day. Period 3 set the tempo, as the big guys ran the Irish Eyes drill… which is learning to play through tears as you are getting crushed by a BCS school.

Apr 16: The 5 goal line plays determined who would run and who would just watch. The defense stopped the offense on the 1st two plays… so the offense had to run. While carrying me. Four blown ACLs and three dislocated shoulders later, they learned their lesson.

Apr 20: Good morning. I’m walking into a staff meeting to review the tape from Saturday. There were no serious injuries, just some bumps and bru lee. I always require that creme brulee be on the sidelines at all times.

Apr 22: Good morning. Yesterday was a big personnel day. We began the day with a 3 hour staff meeting evaluating our current roster… then a 2-hour counseling session and then we spent the remainder of the day working on our resumes.

Apr 22: This gets everyone on the same page, both coaches and the players. If a player doesn’t like being 2nd team, he will know exactly… the truth: That he’s not good enough to start on any Division I football team in the country.

Apr 22: We then switch gears to spring recruiting. Although I can’t go on the road recruiting, we will have 7 assistant coaches on the road… and 12 more back here working with our Engineering Department to construct some sort of road barge that will allow me to go on the road recruiting.

Apr 27: After the draft, I worked on placing all our undrafted players. It looks like Mo Crum will go to Tampa, Grimes to Denver… and Kuntz to porn.

May 1: Within my sight I can see the renovation of the basketball arena, a new lacrosse stadium, a new soccer stadium, and a new track… but not my penis. Never my penis.

May 4: I, personally, am working on Nevada, our first opponent, this week; Michigan, our second opponent, next week; and… yes, we prepare equally for Nevada and Michigan now. Glad the Wolverines are around to take some of the attention off of my crumbling program.

May 8: Although Sunday is Mother’s Day, I’m going to try to sneak out for a bit Sunday afternoon, as both our men’s and women’s lacrosse teams… are on the road so their locker room refrigerators are currently unattended.

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