Dungy visits Vick

Tony Dungy has visited Michael Vick in prison.

(Scene: a prison visiting room.)

Vick: “It’s so great of you to come see me, coach. How are you?”

Dungy: “I’m great, Michael. You look well. I just wanted to come, tell you I am here to help and see if I can advise or counsel you in any way.”

Vick: “Cool. I really appreciate it.” 

Dungy: “But first, before I can help you, tell me: how much gayness have you participated in while in prison?”

Vick: “Gayness?”

Dungy: “Yes, I hear it’s rampant in prison. And I am not a fan of the gayness.”

Vick: “None. I have not participated in any … umm, gayness.”

Dungy: “Not been made a b-i-t-c-h?”

Vick: “A bitch? No.” [Dungy checks something off on his clipboard.]

Dungy: “Not had a man go down on you? Because, you know, that’s gayness even if you’re on the receiving end.”

Vick: “No, sir. No way.” [Dungy makes another check.]

Dungy: “Haven’t tossed a salad?”

Vick: “Eaten a salad? Well, yeah. I’m trying to stay in shape for football.”

Dungy: “No, tossed a salad. It’s common in prison. It’s a term for when you go down on another man’s butthole.”

Vick: “Geez. That’s disgusting, coach. Really, really sick. Just gross, dude. Why do you know this stuff?”

Dungy: “I’m asking the questions right now. So, have you, or have you not, tossed a salad?”

Vick: “No. No way. Not in the way you are referring to.” [Dungy makes another check.]

Dungy: “Have you ever engaged in a Bolivian snake dance?”

Vick: “A Bolivian snake dance? Is that a thing?”

Dungy: “Oh, it’s a thing. A gay thing.”

Vick: “Well, I’ve never heard of it. So put me down for a no on that one, too.” [Dungy makes another check.] “How many more of these questions do you have, coach?” [Dungy flips through a few pages.]

Dungy: “Umm … we’ve got 392 left.”

Vick: “Hey! Guard! Meeting’s over. You can let Mr. Dungy out.” [To Dungy:] “See ya, coach. I’m not sitting through this. Thanks for coming.”

Guard: “Hi, coach. I’m Carl. Let me show you out. And do you think I could get an autograph? I’m a big fan.”

Dungy: “Okay, but first a few questions — have you ever been made a b-i-t-c-h?”

(End scene.)

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