The John Daly Diet

John Daly has lost 60 pounds while serving a 6-month ban on the PGA Tour and is in contention at this week’s Spanish Open. 

How did he lose the weight? By adhering to this strict diet plan — which will surely be the hot, new diet this summer.

Step 1 – Continue eating what you enjoy

But have a strategy to not overindulge. For John Daly, this means eating at Hooters. But now he eats at Hooters while asking the waitresses to tell him about their venereal diseases. It’s pretty hard to have an appetite while Mandy is describing her labia warts.

Step 2 – Stop smoking

This isn’t just about losing weight. It’s about living a healthy lifestyle. So take care of your lungs and stop smoking. Instead, eat handfuls of chewing tobacco. It’s high in protein and your stomach will quickly fill up on the blood from your cancerous ulcer.

Step 3 – Don’t miss a meal

Too many people make the mistake of skipping meals when dieting. All that does is slow down your metabolism and make it harder to shed pounds. So don’t forget to have a liquid breakfast, liquid lunch and liquid dinner. And, if you’re really dedicated, liquid brunch.

Step 4 – Be satisfied with your body

Some people simply can’t be thin and muscular. Their bodies aren’t made that way. If you’re someone who’s built to carry some extra pounds, cherish it. When you’re fat and act like a dickhead, people give you the benefit of the doubt and think you’re a lovable man of the people. Skinny people who act like dickheads are just dickheads.

Step 5 – Exercise

You are a fat, disgusting pig. So, yes, walking a golf course while someone else carries all of your belongings counts. I suppose if you want to get really slim you could follow the dieting advice of my caddy. But how smart could he be? His job is to get 10-percent of the winnings of a guy who hasn’t won a tournament in five years.

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