— national health care coverage for colonoscopies
— mocha latte purchases tax deductible
— gay marriage made legal, but only in regards to quarterback-sportswriter relationships
— Constitution re-written in the format of a random list
— Air Force One and the president’s fleet of helicopters re-designed to limit all possible travel annoyances.
— Lincoln Memorial razed to build national monument to Brett Favre
— sucking at your job the new national pasttime