Notre Dame announces its new offensive coordinator

Notre Dame announced its new offensive coordinator today.

Here is the transcript from the press conference …

[Charlie Weis is seated at a table at the front of the media room. Members of the press are seated in front of him.]

Weis: “Thank you all for coming today. Let’s get right to it. I’d like to introduce you to Notre Dame’s new offensive coordinator.”

[applause]

[then silence]

Random Reporter 1: “Umm … no one came out. Did we miss something?”

Weis: “No, you didn’t. He’s right here.”

Random Reporter 2: “Oh, behind you? I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it: your massive, obese pig body is blocking our view of him. Do you think you could move out of the way so we can see him? Or can you just ask him to walk out from behind you so we can get a look?”

Weis: “No, he’s not behind me. He’s right here. You’re looking at him.”

Random Reporter 3: “Umm … again, and I think I’m speaking for the group here — we don’t see anyone but a disgusting, obnoxious, obese man. Namely, you. This new offensive coordinator you are speaking of, did you perhaps accidentally eat him or something? I don’t see anyone but you up there.”

Weis: “No! It is me, idiots. That’s what I was trying to say. I’m the new offensive coordinator. Me. I’m the new offensive coordinator. Me. Charlie Weis. I was introducing myself. I was trying to be coy.”

Random Reporter 1: “Oh. Sorry. We didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that it was kind of … confusing. And you’re just … so … fat. Disgustingly fat.”

Weis: “Yes. I guess I am. But I would never eat someone.”

Random Reporter 3: “Oh, no. Not at all. I was just trying to make a point about your fatness via exaggeration. Perhaps I went overboard.”

[Suddenly, a low rumble comes from Weis’ stomach. Then, a muffled cry: “Help! Help me!”]

Random Reporter 2: “What was that noise? Who is that yelling? Is that coming from your stomach? Is that Mike Haywood’s voice, our old offensive coordinator? Mike, is that you?”

Muffled voice: “Yes! Help me! This disgusting a–hole ate me!”

Random Reporter 2: “Did you eat Mike Haywood, Charlie?”

Weis: “Umm … well … technically, I guess you could say yes. It all happened so quickly. He was holding a bag of chips and next thing I knew, both the chips and Mike were inside me. I have warned my staff not to eat around me for their own safety.”

Muffled voice/Mike Haywood: “Let me out, pig! Hurry. It’s hard to breathe in here.”

Weis: “Well, I suppose I should go try to puke him up. Anyway, I’m the new offensive coordinator here at Notre Dame. Try to make that the news you take from this press conference, please … not the other … unpleasantness.”

[End transcript.]

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