Brother vs. Brother

Peyton and Elisha Manning will face each other for the first time in the Pro Bowl on Sunday. Here are their letters home.

My Dearest Momma, 

I have not written you since the unfortunate events of the NFC divisional battle against the Eagles, and I gladly avail myself of another opportunity to write you a few lines to ask your blessings upon me. We are preparing a raid upon the AFC and I fear I shall look across the field and see the eyes of my dear brother, your son, Peyton. This has given me many sleepless nights. I have begun wetting the bed even more than normal. The stench of urine is all around me. My heart is heavy. As is my diaper. Please send more. I can not bear to ask the hotel cleaning lady to bring me a new mattress again. It would surely break her. 

Your son,


– – –


I yearn for you. An ocean is between us, yet your songs still set my heart aflutter. Praises be for God’s magnificent iPod creation! Yet even as I listen to “When The Sun Goes Down,” storm clouds gather. For I am to meet my dear brother Elisha on the field of battle. And I am scared, Kenny. You sustain me, but I am wracked with fear and unease. Reports are that Elisha has with him a great force. However, thanks to Our Maker’s grace, his most powerful lieutenant, Plaxico Burress, was felled by friendly fire not three months ago while running a covert operation as a Mr. Harris Smith. If only my forces were at full-strength. But, alas, they are not. I am without my finest soldier, Marvin Harrison, and his trusty Belgian firearm. Please, Kenny, shouldst this letter reach you before the battle, please write a song for me. Make it beautiful. Make it hopeful. Make it gay.




4 responses to “Brother vs. Brother

  1. Poop on my pizza funny!

  2. A year removed from the debacle in Phoenix brings perspective. May the Mannings never win again for their satire is the most sublime.

  3. Well Peyton….
    I’ll write it for ya….I will admit it may not be beautiful, or even that hopeful, but I assure you, it will be gay. I’ll even put 2 Jimmy Buffett references in it, as well as something about the Corona bottle stuck in my anus to ensure the level of gayness you require. Wait….wait….Anus? Gayness?…My chorus is half written! You know any words that rhyme with “Butt Plug”? Please let me know…sometimes these things just write themselves….
    Kenny Chesney

  4. I usually don’t break out the “butt plug” references so early in the morning. But, hey — it’s time for deviant sex somewhere, right?

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