People v Their Pants

A court ruled today that cheerleading is a contact sport. Specifically, Justice Annette Ziegler (who I think we should just assume is the woman on the right) stated in her ruling that cheerleading involves “a significant amount of contact between the cheerleaders.”

Oh. Yeah. 

Here is how the proceedings likely went …

(Scene: courtroom)

Justice Ziegler (who speaks like Marilyn Monroe): “Oooh. And, so, after hours upon hours of exploring the depths of myself, I have decided that cheerleading involves a significant amount of contact between the cheerleaders. ”

Juror: (cough) “That’s what she said!” (cough)

Justice Ziegler: “Oooh-whee. Mr. Juror, I will not have that outburst in my courtroom. Am I going to have to punish you? I’ll punish you good, you know I will. If you feel the need to explode again, I’ll take you around back into my chamber and you can explode all over me. But let’s not do it in front of these people. Oooh.”

Juror: “I’m sorry, but you again leave me no choice: That … is what … she … said.”

Justice Ziegler: “Oooh-whee. You are making me so hot with anger. I could burst out of this gown. But I won’t. Because I am wearing absolutely nothing underneath. Nothing at all. Bailiff, take this man away.”

Juror: “Hey, fine by me. I could use a few minutes by myself right now.”

Justice Ziegler: “Oooh. Okay, let’s get back to the matter at hand. As I said, cheerleaders like to touch themselves. In fact, they must touch themselves. They can’t help themselves. They need to touch themselves. Oooh.”

Defense attorney: “Objection!”

Justice Ziegler: “Oooh. Well, if you object, please stand and show yourself to me, counselor.”

Defense attorney: “Umm … I can’t.”

Justice Ziegler: “Why not? I want it. Oooh.”

Defense attorney: “I am fully erect.”

Justice Ziegler: “You fully object?”

Defense attorney: “No, I am fully erect. All of this sexual innuendo has left me aroused. I don’t want to stand up.”

Justice Ziegler: “Counselor, what has come over you? Oooh. This is a serious court proceeding. I am taking it seriously, so you must, too. Do you have any idea how heavily this case has been weighing on the court’s ample, perky bosom? Here, let me show you.”

[She disrobes.]

[Everyone passes out.]

Justice Ziegler: “Oooh. Case dismissed.” [She picks up the gavel and bangs it.] “Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I love to bang. Oooh.”

(End scene.)

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5 responses to “People v Their Pants

  1. Carl Spackler

    That defense attorney was definitely in cuntempt of court!

    I’m on fire today!

  2. That defense attorney was really in cuntempt of court!

    Boom!

  3. Lmao! All I can sau is…wow.

  4. *Say…ha.

  5. I can’t stand up right now either.

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