Hey, essays!

National Sportsmanship Day is March 3rd. The Institute for International Sport and USA Today is running an essay contest on the theme of sportsmanship and fighting in sports.

Essays — 500 words or fewer — can be sent to: 

USA Today Sportsmanship Essay Contest / Institute for International Sport / University of Rhode Island / P.O. Box 1710 / Kingston, RI 02881-1710

But, if you choose to enter, know you’ll have to contend with my essay.


Sport displays the best in mankind. Striving, competition, individuality, teamwork. As such, there should be no place for fighting in sport. Allowing it to degrade our games degrades us a people, as a planet. We can do better. We deserve better. We are better.

And if you disagree, I’ll f–k you up. Seriously, I’ll punch you in your face. If my essay does not win this essay competition, you — yes you, each and every one of you in the judging committee — has a serious beating coming your way. Make that beatings. Serious beatings — plural. Oh, what? You don’t think I can find you? I have your address. It’s right there on the essay application form, moron. If I don’t win, I will come to your Institute and I will institute an ass-beating. They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Well, the pen and my sword and my fists all together are mightier than everything — as you will soon discover. I’ll plunge my pen into your eyes, cut your head off with my sword, and then pummel your twitching corpse with my fists.

In conclusion, there is no place for fighting in sports.

# # #


3 responses to “Hey, essays!

  1. There is no room for fighting in sports. Stabbing on the other hand…

  2. You know I’m gonna say it! You know it’s comin’ Terry! Here it comes! Thanks be to Jesus for no fighting in sports!

  3. What about dancing?

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