“The Dallas Cowboys Open Their New Stadium”

A short play by DJ Gallo

(Scene: August. Team officials, players, media and fans gather outside the front gate of the new stadium, which has a blue, silver and white ribbon across the entrance.)

Jerry Jones: “This is an exciting day for the Dallas Cowboys. We are opening our beautiful stadium. But not only that, we brought in some help to do it the right way, and I think we will win a Super Bowl in our first year. Ray? We’re ready. Do your thing.”

Ray Lewis (looking confused): “Umm … uh … oh, right. Okay.”

(Does homoerotic intro dance.)

Jones: “Stop! Stop it! Not that. You can do that later if you want to. Do the other thing.”

Ray-Ray: “Oh, right. Okay.” (Bows head. Holds palms up to sky.) “Dear Jesus in Heaven. We ask you, Lord, to shine your blessings down upon this stadium. We ask you to -”

Jerry Jones: “What the? What are you doing?”

Raymond: “I’m praying, Jerry. I’m God’s Linebacker. I’m praying. I thought that’s what you wanted me to do.”

(Thrusts crotch at the sky.)

Jerry Jones: “What? Pray? No. That’s not what I want you to do. I brought you hear because I want the best of the best.”

Ray-Ray: “Okay, man. Understood, understood. I hear you. You just signed me for my football. That’s cool.”

Jones: “Football? Heck, no! I know my team and what we are missing is not a cliche-screaming, tackle-jumping, credit-stealing, old linebacker.”

Raymond: “Soooo … why am I here then?”

Jones: “I already said: Because I want the best of the best for this ceremony!”

Ray-Ray: “… I don’t follow.”

(Jones motions towards the ribbon across the entrance to the stadium.)

Raymond: “What?”

Jones: “Cut it! Cut it! Stab through it! Slice it in half! Jeez! Do I have to spell it out for you!”

Ray-Ray: “But that’s not me anymore. I’m a man of God.”

(Everyone in attendance laughs heartily.)

Raymond: “Okay, okay.”

(He pulls out his always-ready blade and cuts the ribbon.)

Crowd: “Yay!”

Jones: “Thank you. Now you can leave.”

(An idling limousine races up, Raymond jumps inside, and it speeds away to a hotel, where Ray-Ray disposes of his knife and confetti-covered clothing.)

(End scene.)

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3 responses to ““The Dallas Cowboys Open Their New Stadium”

  1. I see this scenario actually really occurring. Not in the least bit surprised at the Cowboys being interested in him. If they can lock him down, then by July lock-up Vick for a couple years…just wow.

  2. Just look at how strong Ray-Ray is. Using just his forefinger and thumb he has the strength to plunge that knife down into multiple midsections.

  3. ponder this…back to normal. whew.

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